I haven't been writing lately.
I haven't been working to finish my book, and it's frustrating me because the story that I want to share with the world is the most beautiful one imaginable. Jesus came to me, fought for me, and saved me. I sustained and recovered from what should have been a fatal brain aneurysm rupture; and then 6 months later (during Covid), I had another brain aneurysm in the same spot that required a 2nd surgery. During my recovery, by trust and surrender, I learned that God's grace is sufficient.
Even when it appears as if all has been lost. God is able to do far more than you can imagine, or guess, or request in your wildest dreams. (Ephesians 3:21) Yes. I need to tell the world that I know that God is real. In my journey through the most debilitating brain injury, He cradled me in His peace and presence, and showed me that I am worthy. He validated my soul, and I will never be the same again. In that struggle, He layered me with His healing, and then revealed to me the beautiful pearl inside.
The kingdom of God is inside of you.
( Luke 17:21)
I recently came across a story about another frustrated artist, and it gave me pause. The late 19th century post-Impressionist painter, Vincent Van Gogh, who was known to have struggled with mental illness (and went on to commit suicide when he failed to live up to his own high standards) said,
" I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do."
I'm feeling like Van Gogh right now. I am frustrated, and angry, and mildly depressed. I have this incredibly beautiful story of the power of prayer, and yet for the past few weeks I haven't been to work. It is as if my heart has been paralyzed, and my hands have been frozen. All because my whole life changed again unexpectedly.
I am familiar with this phenomenon, because I have lived it, and still - it doesn't get any easier when it happens.
The last time it happened, it was a beautiful Monday morning and I had just returned home from swimming laps when a quiet, but deadly aneurysm burst in my brain.... Nothing can prepare you for that kind of sudden and tragic pain. Thank God, I defaulted to prayer. Thank God that He gave me the knowing and the strength to seek Him. As my brain hemorrhaged, I prayed, "Submit yourself to God, resist the devil and the devil will flee." (James 4:7)
I am not experiencing a physical threat to my health again at this moment, but I do have an intensity of emotional distress that feels strikingly similar. I've always been one to feel things deeply- emotionally, and spiritually. Somehow, I can feel happiness and joy at a deeper level than most people, but I also have a tendency to go straight to wanting to die when I'm hit with emotional pain, and I have felt suicidal more times than I can count. I used to think that it was 'just life', but in recent talks with my husband, I have learned that not everybody feels (or even understands) that tugging feeling of just wanting the pain of life to be over with....
In my decades of therapy, personal research, and prayers prayed in anguish- I have learned that mental illness runs in my family, and that perhaps it affects me more than I want to admit. My mother and son both have borderline personality disorder, and I have 2 uncles (one of both sides of my family) that have committed suicide. The most recent suicide was my father's youngest brother, whom I was very close with. He pulled the trigger on Christmas Eve. The pain was earth shattering.
I was planning to transition here to tell you about how my earth has been shattered again, but in light of all that I have written just now- these circumstances may not be so bad after all. Children hurt and betray their parents. They go against their wishes, they lash out when they shouldn't. They often don't know what they are doing, and they don't know what they've done. Worst of all, they don't understand the magnitude of your love for them.
If they would only be patient.
If they would only listen.
If they only knew that you just want what's best for them.
It's a story as old as time, and the one that God is reminding me now is more about my relationship with Him than my relationship with my kids. Truth be told, I have broken His heart. I have gone against His wishes. I am human, sinful, and so terribly flawed.
My redeeming hope is that God knows all of this already. It's the reason He sent Jesus to pay for our sins, to reconcile us to Himself, and to deliver a message of love and forgiveness.
"I am writing to you little children because your sins have been forgiven for his name sake."
(1 John 2:12 ESV)
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
(Isaiah 1:18 NIV)
I am reminded that Jesus also told us that we would have ongoing trouble in this world. He warned that there is an enemy prowling around looking to devour us. Perhaps these thoughts of despair that I'm experiencing are lies from the enemy?
Yes. I am going to choose to believe that.
Just the way I chose to believe that His grace was sufficient when I came home from the hospital and was depressed, and didn't know if my life would ever be the same again- I am going to choose to believe that these present, painful, tormenting thoughts are lies from the enemy. I am going to take God at His word, and fight against Satan with the weapons He's given me. And just the way I prayed when my brain was bleeding...
"Submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and the devil will flee."
(James 4:7)
I guess sometimes, you just need a bit of truth, and a shift in perspective. I am going to get back to writing my book now. However, instead of writing with the intent to persuade you to trust the God that I know to be real, I am going to write it to myself as a reminder to keep trusting and surrendering through all the pain this side of heaven!
With love,
Sarah
Comments
God bless you Sarah. I will be praying with you for healing. You are so beautiful and have so much to offer in so many ways. You are a light. I don’t read everything on Facebook or insta but I always find myself reading and looking at all of your content. It’s peaceful and lovely. Thank you for being a light of beauty. God bless you sweet friend. Xo