What I Wish I Could Go Back and Say

I got into an argument (of sorts) at my Bible Study yesterday And in the way that I often do, I woke up at 3:00 am, and spent a few hours rehashing the whole scenario trying to figure out what I could have (and should have) said.

In our 30 week Bible Study Fellowship class, we have a lecture each week, followed by a small group discussion, and then we go home, read more Bible passages and answer questions in our workbook. We're all learning from our teacher, each other, and trying to interpret what God is speaking to us through His word.

Yesterday, in my small group, my answer to one of our questions (and my interpretation of what we've been reading) is that "when we make our lives an act of worship, God relieves all suffering".

One woman immediately (and rather vehemently) disagreed with me, and it shook me up a little. We are all there as believers, talking about the goodness and power of God, learning about the book of Revelation, and all feeling an urgency to lead others to Jesus so that they can become believers and avoid this scary, future, apocalyptic judgement and wrath of God. But, in the way that I have learned to cope with confrontation in the past, I froze up, swallowed hard and said "Well. This is what I believe to be true, you are free to disagree with me."

And then there was a lot of talk about "our circumstances", and somebody pulled up the exact definition of the word on their phone. By this time, I had several women debating with me that many people pray, and believe in God, and their "circumstances" never change. One faithful, and beautiful young woman with a special needs child contended that although she believes in God, and prays, her child will always be a special needs child.

A few ladies tried to help me out, and some of them said what I had been struggling to say... but I still felt defeated and unheard.  If I could go back and do it over again, I'd say that I believe that  prayer changes us; and that the change in us is what changes the circumstance.

In my life, prayer changed my response to my son's drug addiction-  and then God eventually, slowly, changed our circumstances. He also changed my circumstances when I suffered a life threatening brain aneurysm rupture, and a 5-day brain hemorrhage.

Prayer moves our problem from the physical space to the spiritual realm where God can work. There, He mysteriously rewards our faith with strength and comfort; and through our thankfulness and acceptance he gives us joy that transcends our circumstances. Suffering is relieved when we trust God with our whole heart. 

On a quick side note, it's been really cold in Florida this week, and dissecting the word 'circumstance' has me thinking about weather report and temperature readings. You know when the weather report gives you the actual temperature, and then a different "feels like" temperature? In my opinion, the only temperature that really matters is the "feels like" temperature. If it feels like it's 28 degrees outside, I'd say that it's 28 degrees outside! It's the same with circumstances. There's the actual circumstance, and the "feels like" circumstance. With God, the feels like circumstance is so much different.

I don't know what it's like to have given birth to a special needs child, but I can tell you that when your teenager becomes a drug addict and you have no control over their self-inflicted diminished quality of life~ the feelings of grief, pain, unfairness, disappointment, powerlessness, guilt, anger, and hopelessness have got to be similar. There's a tragic sense of loss as you watch the light go out of their eyes, and know that your dreams for them won't be realized. The heartbreak is beyond comprehension.

And yet, in my family, by constant prayer and unwavering faith - our circumstances were changed. By learning about co-dependency, teaching myself to detach with love, by trusting, surrendering, praying boldly, and letting the Lord fight on my behalf - God gave me an education about addiction and recovery. He showed me how to gain control over my emotions, and He restored my relationship with my son. It's why more books have been written about Jesus Christ than any other person in history. It's why Alcoholics Anonymous's program works. Faith changes our circumstances.

Is my son still an addict? Yes, and he will be for the rest of his life. Whether he is clean, or not, he will always have a genetic disposition toward addiction because it runs through both sides of his family. It is not his fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way that his brain works. My job is to stay faithful, and to keep putting God first. Jesus is his savior, not me.

Christopher Kennedy had a great line in his book What Addicts Know, "You can go through it with dignity [addiction] or you can lose your mind".

At the time I was reading his book, I was losing my mind. Trying to battle, fix, and control another's person addiction will cause you to feel that way. But going through it with the power of God? That gives you strength, and peace. Gratitude changes the stress response in your body, and physiologically supports your heart and brain. It gives you energy, and hope. It makes you more compassionate and understanding. All of which will changes your CIRCUMSTANCE because it's changing you.

The second point I wish I could have made is in regard to my brain aneurysm rupture. I know of two other instances where someone I knew had a brain aneurysm rupture. The first one happened in Vermont, the summer before my 8th grade year during pre-season at school. I was on the field hockey field trying to make the high school team, and over on the soccer field, a girl one one year younger than me had a brain aneurysm rupture and died right there on the field. It was such a freak thing, I remember the shock that everyone in our small town was in for years afterwards.... It was this quiet, awful, unfair and mysterious thing. Having a daughter now myself, I cannot imagine what her parents must have gone through.

More recently, a few towns over from where I now live in Florida, a married couple (who both happen to be physicians) were together watching their child's soccer game when the wife had all the same symptoms I had: sudden headache, instant vomiting and weakness. Recognizing the symptoms, they arranged for her to be AIR FLIGHTED off the field directly to Morton Plant Hospital for emergency surgery. As doctors, they both knew that the seriousness of a brain aneurysm rupture is often immediate death.

When I had mine, I hemorrhaged for 5 days. From when it happened about 8:30 on a Monday morning through until late on Friday afternoon, I prayed the Our Father prayer, and "Submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and the devil will flee."on repeat. And I am here to tell you that God changed my circumstance. Instead of immediate death, HE KEPT ME ALIVE.

As the blood was accumulating on my brain, and causing vasospasms (the onset of the death of the brain tissue) God gave me a superpower as I prayed. He gave me the strength to get out of bed each afternoon to go pick up my daughter at school. I even went to a marketing meeting on Thursday afternoon at Starbucks to brainstorm with a good friend of mine for his travel business. He by the way, also told me that I did not look well, and that I should go see someone....Which I did, but that is a story for another time.

The long and short is this.

Without prayer, I would have died instantly.

Without prayer, I never would have gotten through the 21 days of tormenting pain in the CCICU, or gotten my life back when I came home from the hospital.

If I hadn't believed, and trusted, and poured myself into the Bible during my recovery, I would never have experienced miraculous healing, and this new profound way of life.

I wouldn't have seen Jesus in my hospital room, felt the sufficiency of His grace, or come to understand that I am worthy no matter what I can or cannot do. To have experienced Jesus's presence and received His validation has changed everything for me. I now live my life in a whole different way.

I now get to live in the greatest love story with my husband, feel exuberant health and energy, and wake up every day excited about my work. I am closer with my kids, am more connected with friends and extended family. Viruses, politics, and petty nuisances don't get my time or energy anymore.

God is bigger, and better - and HE WINS IN THE END.

So yeah. Orginal point.

To me the pearl represents beauty born from struggle, and is a reminder that God is with us when we go through deep waters.